Garbled thoughts

Insomnia has now become an old friend who visits with increasing regularity. Most nights for the last couple of months especially I find myself more often than not lying in bed and just waiting. Waiting for what I can’t quite say but the feeling is like a thought that stands in your periphery just reminding you of its presence but standing just a little out of sight so you can’t quite make it out completely.

 I'd like to say that I have grown far more wise beyond my years but that would be utter crap. I do know that it's probably only off late that I have started allowing myself to start laughing again and not worrying as to what the consequences of having fun would be. I can slowly feel myself start to relax and unwind these days, though not completely as there is always a feeling that the rug may get pulled from under me when I least expect it but that is a conversation for another time. My walls are back and this time they are stronger than ever. It took me ages to let them down last time around and I have learnt at my own cost that it’s probably best this way for I need to protect myself above all else. It is a selfish thought, but who else can take care of me better than me? 

The other day was July 10 and I honestly couldn’t help but wonder how long it would be before the day would lose its significance and become just another day. Never been one for remembering dates, but there are times when I wish my spotty memory would just kick in and make me forget already. I know I needed this time for I am only now just beginning to crawl out of the hole that I buried myself into heal but I'm not sure I really recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror these days. She seems harder, less impetuous and so much more serious. I do know that I am far quieter than what I used to be. That I am not only comfortable with going out by myself but I tend to prefer it to a larger extent these days. At least then I don’t need to worry about saying the wrong thing. I am probably still not comfortable meeting most people from my old life, but that is mostly because the questions tend to get uncomfortable after a point and more often than not I don’t want to have to justify to anyone my right to feel and act this way. Never having been one to invite drama into my life, I have had my fill of it in the last couple of years and can honestly say that I'm just fine without it. 

Read something recently that really stuck with me "In a society like ours, 'happiness' is considered a dangerous thing - something that shouldn't be indulged in; something that has the potential to ruin you. While on the other hand, endurance, stoicism and suffering are applauded and cited as examples to follow. Ask any person on earth whether they want to be happy or unhappy and the answer would unsurprisingly always be the same. If that is so, then why should anybody stop themselves from chasing the happiness they deserve? I didn't and that will always make me happy, no matter what happens". Truer words were never spoken. The one thing that struck me when I was doing my best to muddle my way out of "the situation" was how many people would constantly tell me this was all part of "life". That I needed to put my head down and just keep on taking it. Why is the question I ask? Why must I deny myself the right to be true to myself and suck it up? Who defined the rules stating that I am never allowed to consider my happiness in the scheme of things, that my needs and my expectations and my aspirations would take a backseat and I was only expected to follow my lord and master and god forbid if I were to question this archaic system otherwise.  I won’t deny that I am still angry. Angry at the narrow mindedness of people. Angry that simply by virtue of being a woman, I am somehow a human being of lesser value and all the things that define me have zero value. Angry for actually thinking at one point that this was the way things were meant to be. Mostly I am just angry at myself of not speaking up earlier.  

Sometimes I feel so angry I could almost punch a hole in the wall and it takes all my self control to reign it in and hold myself back for I am NOT a victim. I am not going to cry in some corner about what happened. Yes, it was shitty but honestly, it's nothing I can’t handle. Like a good friend once said, in the scheme of things, this is a blip on my radar. No doubt, someday I will look back on this phase and wonder what all the hoop-la was about, but until then, I will just remind myself that I have a lot of things to be thankful for.