The worms that come crawling out of the woodwork

Fair warning to all and sundry. I am pissed and I am venting to some degree.

In all honesty, I make no bones about the fact that I was the one that walked away from my marriage. However, that does not mean that I am over it in every sense. I am in a much better place than where I was at the beginning of last year, but I still have a long way to go . However, at the moment, I am just happy "to be". I don't need nor do I want the complication of a relationship in my life. Of any kind.

Recently, an old friend got in touch with me. I have known him since I was 13 / 14 years old and this person has a good 10-12 years on me in terms of age. He is married and has a child and while we may have not been best friends, we have kept in touch on and off and well there is a certain comfort factor that is present given the time that has passed. So we started chatting and well it felt good reconnect on some level. Then things started to get icky. He started hitting on me. Idiot that I was, it took me a while to understand what was happening. I will admit to the fact that I initially thought it was harmless flirting. It's happened before and is very easy to brush off since all the married men I know have always been devoted in every way to their respective wives and would never ever stray.

This was a guy who was married for crying out loud and here he was now in all seriousness talking about having an affair! But apparently the guy is "devoted" to his wife. He has a lot of respect for her, would never hurt her etc. etc., but supposedly, he can't conform to the rules of society that define marriage (Really???!!!). He claims to have had more affairs post marriage than before - but by his own confession that is probably also because he has been married longer than he was single. I don't claim to be prissy on any level - but my moral compass went haywire at this point. Needless to say - I freaked. I did try the polite approach (out of some misguided sense of respect for him and our supposed friendship!) - but that just seemed to make him more adamant. Then I realized that even if I told the man to back off - he would only continue doing what he was doing and I was going to have to literally delete him from my life. In every possible way. So I ignored him and then blocked him on every single social media application I could think of. I figured, why bother being polite and all. Better to be called a bitch than a home wrecker right? Lesser of the two evils.

Then I started thinking about it. What is it about a divorced woman that seem to make men go all crazy. I have heard stories about things like this - but I never really thought I would ever have something like that happen to me as well. I am no longer the kind of person that seeks to become friends with new people or allow all and sundry into my life. Clichéd as it sounds, you don't ever think something like this can happen to you. I wonder though, do people think that because you are a divorcee, this somehow makes it not only right for them to hit on you and have you not only be okay with that but to also return the feeling? Disgusting on so many levels that people get away with such crap.

I do realize on some level that more men like this will keep crawling out of the woodwork and this is not going to be the first time that I have to block someone on Whatsapp or Facebook. The good thing that's come out of the whole situation is that, before I would have actually been worried about hurting the person's feelings. Now, I am a lot more "selfish". If I am not okay with something - I am more upfront about it and if need be also hit the other person over the head with it so they know I am not okay with it. I have grown a thicker skin. So while earlier I would have tortured myself into wondering what the other person would think of me - now I don't care so much. When I do think about it, its mostly only in anger that I found myself in a situation like that and how I wish I could inflict physical pain on the person. I can wish for things to be different - but I doubt they will be. I do pity the wives of these men. They deserve better. Much better.

I have also in the course of time realized that I make up the rules that govern my life at this point. While before, while growing up that is, I would follow the rules my parents laid out for me. Post marriage, its the rules that your husband or what you as a couple define for yourselves that chalk out the way you live life. Post divorce, I have realized that, there are no rules at this point. So while to some degree I play it by ear - in the larger scheme of things - I more or less define how I live my life at this point. It's a scary thought and I guess I have developed a profound sense of respect and a deeper understanding for the saying "with great power comes great responsibility".

Until next time...
 

Win some, lose some....

Writing about what has been happening in my life has honestly helped me face a lot things head on. I rarely talk about it since I dont really find the need, but writing I think is my way of just letting off some steam when the mood strikes.

I'm not the kind of person who is confrontational under the best of circumstances and truth be told I tend to shy away from any situation that promises to become heated. A lot of people can attest to that. People mistake this for passivity and truth be told I don't blame them. To a large extent I had to consciously choose to not allow people to walk all over me and then again in most cases, I still allowed them as the alternative just felt like a waste of time and energy and well, this just felt easier.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that by being this way I was setting the tone for my marriage. I think what really woke me up was when my sister actually asked me one day "so what if you say no...what's the worst that can happen?" And that really got me thinking. She said a a lot more subsequently, but this stuck with me for some reason. Mostly, since it told me that I didn't have to continue being a passive acceptor and I could actually stand up for myself and say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH". My whole life, I have always had other people fight my battles for me and I guess this time I knew that it was up to me stand up and fight for myself and that the alternative in this case was just not going to work.

I won't lie and say that everything was rosy when I walked away. It definitely wasn't. There were days when I would just want to bury myself in some hole and forget about the world in general. There were days when I would feel the whole thing was just a bad dream and that I would wake up from it any minute. At the end of it all, there is a part of you that also realises that the world still keeps going on and the life does go on and yes, tomorrow is another day. Having family actually helped during this. Atleast if anything, they provided a distraction that kept me from thinking about the fact that my world had just been blown to smithereens and I was basically at ground zero. 
 
My family is my strength and through everything that was happening they have been my anchor. Yes, I will admit like any other regular family they also have the ability to drive one mad, but if I'm honest, the only reason I had the confidence to stand up for myself the way I did is because I knew that no matter what they would support me. Irrespective of what my decision would be at the end of the day, they would accept it and support it. Knowing that I believe gave me an immeasurable amount of confidence and strength to make the right choice for myself irrespective of the consequences. I have had to listen to people tell me that they are the cause of ruining my marriage but to those people I say what is the use of a marriage when you're really not gaining anything out of the relationship but instead losing everything?

Speaking of loss, I will be honest enough to admit that I do miss certain things. Ironically, what I truly miss the most is that I had the opportunity to meet some amazing people while we were together and not being able to speak to them ever again does tend to hurt a bit. These are people I grew really fond of and the times I spent with them will truly be cherished. A part of me does wish I could continue to keep in touch with them but the practical sensible part of me understands that it was right thing to walk away and not make a bad situation horribly awkward. I had a chance to experience this when I ended up bumping into his friends a while back. The confusion in their expressions on how to react was quite evident and while I wont deny that it hurt to see them ignoring me the way they did - there was a part of me that was also glad for it. They are after all his friends and I would not want to make them choose sides. That would be just wrong. So instead, I choose to wish them well and I really do, because suffice to say, the relationship has definitely run its course and the time has come to move on.

In every sense.
 

Tales of the dancing divorcee...enroute to rediscovering thyself

I was never someone who was very comfortable with her body. Too skinny, too thin, all skin and bones and wierd angles. The kind of clothes I loved wearing - never seemed to suit me and hence it all just used to turn into one big mish mash. Post marriage well, you dont really care too much. If I'm honest about it - V used to take better care of himself than I did. He used to ensure everything was tip top everytime we stepped out. For me most of the time - I couldn't be bothered and when I did - well, I was never too happy with the end result.

Now, I truly feel liberated. I have started exploring styles and thoroughly enjoying the process of getting all gussied up for a day or night out about town! From Palazzo's to Capris to SKIRTS and DRESSES! I'm actually enjoying the process of rediscovering myself.  I never used to experiment with hair styles, mostly because I'd never know what to do with my stupendously curly hair, but now thanks to Youtube and a certain someone at Toni & Guy I have started doing a lot more with my hair and it feels kickass!I am feeling comfortable in my own skin for the first time so atleast thats one good thing thats come out of the divorce. I even bit the bullet and got myself a tattoo! Me of all people! Anyone who knows me well enough can attest to the fact that I am terrified of needles. I cant stand them and to date they are my biggest fear. Which is ironic, given that as a hypo thyroid patient, one does get subjected an n number of blood tests. So yes, I will admit to the fact that I was terrified beyond belief of the deed and which is also one of the reasons why I chose to go and do it all  alone. I figured, even if I do make a fool of myself  - nobody is going to be any wiser! In any case, I turned 30 and managed to get inked!

Turning 30. Isnt that supposed be a milestone of sorts? When i was in my teens and 30 seemed like such a far off thing - I never quite pictured things would turn out like this. Then again, one never really pictures stuff like this either! In the scheme of things, I know that this is a blip and, I was probably mourning the end of an "idea" of what I pictured a marriage to be rather than the actual relationship itself(a very wise person told me that!) and, I have probably learnt more about myself in the last couple of months than the last couple of years put together. I have learnt that -

- I am more stronger than I ever gave myself credit for
- I am truly comfortable going out alone. Sometimes I just need some space. I think we all do.
- People will not change. They all have their own POV's and their own perspectives and while they will try and "counsel" you with the best of intentions, dont let it get to you. Rise above.
- So long as you believe in yourself, nothing else matters
- As selfish as it may sound, you are the only one who will look out for you. Listen to that inner voice. It's there for a reason
- Yes, people will look and comment and pass snide remarks. So be it. People will always talk. It doesnt matter. It really doesnt.
- No matter what, my family has my back

The thing is, I don't know what lies ahead and thats the bare naked truth. It's a scary thought, but its also a very exciting one as well. My journey to rediscovering myself has only just begun and I honestly cant wait to find out what's in store for me!

This is me signing off - until next time!

Coming out of the closet..not quite what you think!

"Being divorced is like being a soldier. It means you have fought for your right to happiness. You have faced depression, a blow to your confidence and ego, and emerged stronger and triumphant. Instead of being a coward and living with injustice, you have raised the bar for your own life, and by doing so, given yourself a chance to move towards greater happiness. The rest of your life will be better, for you will always know how much worse it could have been"

 

Yes, I am in the process of a divorce. There I admitted it! It's taken me a long time to come to terms with it. To not shy away from the truth. To basically, not feel ashamed. Like there is something wrong with me!

 

The society we live in does its best to ensure we conform. They provide a checklist for our life. Starting with our career choices to our life choices. Get married by your mid 20's, ensure you have your first child before 30, ensure you have a second child because god forbid the first one should feel lonely! I mean seriously give me a freakin' break! It's my life! Yes, I fell into that trap. Yes, I admit - I made a mistake - but, I'm sure as hell not going to spend the rest of my life paying for it! So yes, I am happy that I walked when I did!

It would be very easy for me to lay all the blame at his door. God knows he's given me enough reason for it, but it doth take two hands to clap and yes, I am to blame as well. I could whine and whinge and give you the down-low on why it didnt work - but what would be the point? If its one thing that I've learnt through all this is that just like "to each their own", every marriage is unique in its own aspect. What works or doesnt work for me may not be the case with you and vice versa. So I am not going to preach and tell you the do's and dont's. I'm sure anyone reading this is adult enough to figure it out on their own.

 

For the longest time, I couldnt bear to look at myself in the mirror. The image that stared back seemed almost alien. It took me a while to realise that the change was for the better. Yes, I still have all my spots and zits (who doesnt!) but, now the heaviness that used feel like it was smothering me has slowly disappeared and I feel so much more lighter and it shows! I think the biggest compliment I got a while ago was when my best friend told me that it was so good to see me just let go and laugh out loud. Apparently she doesnt remember me doing it for the longest time! Cant begin to even describe how good that made me feel.

  

So yes, I'm learning to live again and it feels bloody good! So until next time - this is me signing off! :)

Garbled thoughts

Insomnia has now become an old friend who visits with increasing regularity. Most nights for the last couple of months especially I find myself more often than not lying in bed and just waiting. Waiting for what I can’t quite say but the feeling is like a thought that stands in your periphery just reminding you of its presence but standing just a little out of sight so you can’t quite make it out completely.

 I'd like to say that I have grown far more wise beyond my years but that would be utter crap. I do know that it's probably only off late that I have started allowing myself to start laughing again and not worrying as to what the consequences of having fun would be. I can slowly feel myself start to relax and unwind these days, though not completely as there is always a feeling that the rug may get pulled from under me when I least expect it but that is a conversation for another time. My walls are back and this time they are stronger than ever. It took me ages to let them down last time around and I have learnt at my own cost that it’s probably best this way for I need to protect myself above all else. It is a selfish thought, but who else can take care of me better than me? 

The other day was July 10 and I honestly couldn’t help but wonder how long it would be before the day would lose its significance and become just another day. Never been one for remembering dates, but there are times when I wish my spotty memory would just kick in and make me forget already. I know I needed this time for I am only now just beginning to crawl out of the hole that I buried myself into heal but I'm not sure I really recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror these days. She seems harder, less impetuous and so much more serious. I do know that I am far quieter than what I used to be. That I am not only comfortable with going out by myself but I tend to prefer it to a larger extent these days. At least then I don’t need to worry about saying the wrong thing. I am probably still not comfortable meeting most people from my old life, but that is mostly because the questions tend to get uncomfortable after a point and more often than not I don’t want to have to justify to anyone my right to feel and act this way. Never having been one to invite drama into my life, I have had my fill of it in the last couple of years and can honestly say that I'm just fine without it. 

Read something recently that really stuck with me "In a society like ours, 'happiness' is considered a dangerous thing - something that shouldn't be indulged in; something that has the potential to ruin you. While on the other hand, endurance, stoicism and suffering are applauded and cited as examples to follow. Ask any person on earth whether they want to be happy or unhappy and the answer would unsurprisingly always be the same. If that is so, then why should anybody stop themselves from chasing the happiness they deserve? I didn't and that will always make me happy, no matter what happens". Truer words were never spoken. The one thing that struck me when I was doing my best to muddle my way out of "the situation" was how many people would constantly tell me this was all part of "life". That I needed to put my head down and just keep on taking it. Why is the question I ask? Why must I deny myself the right to be true to myself and suck it up? Who defined the rules stating that I am never allowed to consider my happiness in the scheme of things, that my needs and my expectations and my aspirations would take a backseat and I was only expected to follow my lord and master and god forbid if I were to question this archaic system otherwise.  I won’t deny that I am still angry. Angry at the narrow mindedness of people. Angry that simply by virtue of being a woman, I am somehow a human being of lesser value and all the things that define me have zero value. Angry for actually thinking at one point that this was the way things were meant to be. Mostly I am just angry at myself of not speaking up earlier.  

Sometimes I feel so angry I could almost punch a hole in the wall and it takes all my self control to reign it in and hold myself back for I am NOT a victim. I am not going to cry in some corner about what happened. Yes, it was shitty but honestly, it's nothing I can’t handle. Like a good friend once said, in the scheme of things, this is a blip on my radar. No doubt, someday I will look back on this phase and wonder what all the hoop-la was about, but until then, I will just remind myself that I have a lot of things to be thankful for.  

 

Comfort food at its best!

Off late work’s been getting in the way quite a bit. It’s been keeping me from all the things I love. I am not cribbing, I love my job…but too much of a good thing does tend to get a bit much at times! :)


Viv and I moved into this new place (rented of course!) in November and one of the things we both fell in love with was the open kitchen in this apartment. It boasted of storage space galore and quite honestly was the kind of space I always dreamt of having. Viv ofcourse, was overjoyed about the fact that he could at last store his stash of booze in style (an entire section of cupboard + a bar counter!) :)

I love food and love eating good food (who doesn’t!? right?), but constantly eating out does tend to take a toll on ones pocket. Truth be told having grown up in a house where my mum is a brilliant cook, I honestly never felt the need to eat out that much in Chennai(the whole Hmmppfff my mum can cook this dish better! Ideology is deeply ingrained!) until I got married and discovered that “hey! I can make this at home too!!”

All said and done though, every once in a while, you take a break from all the experimenting and soak yourself in some good ol’ comfort food. I tend to do this a lot when Viv travels, mostly ‘cos his idea of simple food and mine ….well while they are similar to an extent, he does tend to draw the line at some of the foods I love …and I don’t blame him. Reason being, I may be a fraud mallu, but at the end of the day I am a mallu and I love my puttu and pazham, appam and stew and olan! Stew and Olan are 2 of my favorite dishes in the world..and I can eat them with anything (dosa, rice and chaps included!) !!

On Sunday, Viv left for Kolkatta and I was at a loose end, mostly because it tends to get a bit boring cooking for just one person but I figured on why waste the opportunity and actually decided to make some stew for myself. It’s one of the first dishes I ever learnt to cook, and I have lost count of the number of times I used to make it when I lived alone in Blore. It’s an authentically mallu dish and so ridiculously simple to make and I have honestly never gotten tired of the flavours till date! Plus it has 2 of my most favorite ingredients in the world – pepper and ginger!

What I have always like about stew is the fact that it’s so incredibly versatile. You can make it with just vegetables, or you can try with chicken or even mutton if you want. Personally I have always loved the vegetarian (especially with whole corn) and mutton versions but the possibilities are quite limitless and that’s one of the reasons I have always adored this dish.

I have improvised the vegetarian version of this dish over time (mostly as I don’t have the much time to spare these days) and it actually manages to get done in a little over 30 minutes these days. The beauty of this dish is that you can use pretty much anything that’s lying in your fridge as long you have your base ingredients in place. Plus, with my new found friend - the pressure cooker, well, life has just a lot more easier!

Ingredients –

- Vegetables of choice (I normally use potatoes, capsicums, French beans and carrots) You can also use some corn kernals and peas, turnip and radish as well if you have them in your fridge.

- Onion (I No) – roughly sliced

- Tomato (1 No) – cut vertically into quarters (this is not necessary – but I like the flavor)

- Chilly (1 No) slit (you can use more if you want it to be more spicy!)

- Ginger (1 inch piece) sliced thinly

- Dry Pepper Corns (1/2 - tbsp)

- Curry leaves (1 sprig)

- Dabur homemade coconut milk (1 tetra pack)

- Water (basis need)

- Salt (to taste)

- Coconut Oil (1 tsp)



Normally when cooking for 1 person, I usually use one of each vegetable (1 potato, 1 capsicum, 1 carrot a couple of french beans etc) You can adjust it accordingly to the number of people you are cooking for. You don’t need to be very concerned with the way you cut the vegetables. I tend to take a very Nigella’ish approach and roughly cut them all up and dunk them into my pressure cooker (the size of the cooker will vary depending on the quantity you intend to cook ofcourse). To the chopped vegetables , I add my onions, ginger and tomato and chilly (I can’t help but breathe in the all the aroma’s at this point – there’s just something so fresh about the way it all smells!). Add the pepper corns and curry leaves and salt and enough water to just about cover the vegetables (try not to submerge them in water). Add about 2 tblspns of coconut milk to this and after giving it a quick stir, put the lid on the pressure cooker and pressure cook for 2 – 3 whistles.

After you take the lid off, continue to simmer and add more coconut milk (I usually used the remainder milk in the tetra pack, but you can stop if you think it’s becoming too “coconutty”) As it continues to boil, start mashing about approximately half of the cooked potatoes, this will help to thicken the stew and let continue to boil for another 5-7 minutes. Adjust the salt if needed and add the coconut oil and serve hot.

I love having this with bread, rice, dosa, chapatti's and appam. One of my friends even likes to have this like a soup of sorts :). So tuck in and enjoy some comfort food at its best! ;)  

Baker's dozen

Got busy with life…that’s the excuse I have for not visiting earlier. Also, the fact that I had too many things bouncing around in the space that’s supposed to be technically reserved for my mind.


As I write this, I have the James Blunt song “Good-bye my friend, good-bye my lover” strumming in my head in the back ground. Any reason why? Not too sure at this point, truth be told. When I initially started this blog, I just wanted to teeny tiny bit of place for myself across the infinite space that we call the internet. Did I have an idea as to what or how I wanted it to be? No, not really. I just wanted it to represent me. Part logic, part utter confusion interspersed with some knowledge and utter crap as well. I guess that’s me in a nut shell. I never intended on this being a creative forum or a space to vent. Just needed it to be a place I could escape from the world and well life in general. Some may call it the cowards way out, other term it as escapism, to me it’s a place I come to recharge my batteries when I feel low and need that instant “pick me up” which I honestly get when I relive those “good times”.

The last couple of months have been manic to say the least. Shuttling between Chennai and Blore, marathon cooking sessions, add to the baking sprees I seem have embarked on, I honestly haven’t had any time for me, myself!

Speaking of baking, I’ve watched my mum bake cakes by the dozen, and needless to say, the prospect of doing it alone terrified the !@#$(you get the general drift) out of me! But, I baked my first cake (unsupervised and unassisted) and, well I honestly cannot begin to describe the joy of watching my first cake (and it still hasn’t diminished an iota after so many either!) rise slowly and yet steadily. The feeling is nothing but sheer magic. I know I sound like an utter fool, and while yes I know it’s the chemistry and physics of it all at work, it still feels magical and the whole process so utterly satisfying as hell to know that “I did that!!” So I’ll let you in on a little secret I’ve learnt, you don’t need to be scared of the oven! It doesn’t bite and in fact can even be your friend in arms(as ridiculous as it may sound! )

The first cake I baked and for which I whacked the recipe from my mum and sister is the easiest recipe to follow and is probably the best way to induct oneself in to the “art of making a cake!”. Technically, I used the recipe since my husband can’t stand chocolate and I needed an alternative (but let’s keep this a secret between us for the time being!). But I did whack the recipe for the icing (which is optional) from Nigella Lawson, simply because I was watching her program one day and loved the frosting she used on her cupcakes and since it seemed so mouth watering, couldn’t resist trying it the first opportunity I got! Well on to the ingredients as they say –



Ingredients –



For the cake

2 cups flour (leveled and sifted)

2 tsp baking pwder (leveled and sifted)

1 and ½ cups of castor sugar (this is nothing but normal white sugar that’s been run through a mixie until its fine powder!)

1 cup of unsalted cooking butter (leveled)

A pinch of salt

1 and ½ tsps vanilla essence

3 Nos Eggs

Rind of one orange and lemon

Juice of 1 orange

¼ cup boiling water

1No. 24 or 26 cm aluminum baking tin greased with butter and flour



Method : Pre- heat your oven as per instructions on manual. Beat the butter, sugar and vanilla essence together in a large enough mixing bowl. I cant be bothered to beat by hand and truth be told I just don’t have the energy for it, so I use an electric hand beater and it works wonderfully. You will slowly start seeing the mixture changing colours. It will go from an almost dark yellow to what can only be described as a very pale and almost white sort of yellow and quite fluffy. Once this is done, add the eggs one at a time. Idea being that you add one egg, beat it until its completely mixed into the mixture in your bowl and then add the second one, follow the same process and continue with the third one as well. Once done, add your flour, baking powder and rind of lemon and orange. Mix well with a spatula for about 2-3 minutes until you’ve manage to incorporate all the ingredients together and don’t worry if you aren’t able to get rid of all the lumps. Lastly add the juice of 1 orange and the boiling water to the mix and mix well with a spatula for about 2-4 mins again until you aren’t able to see any lumps. Pour the whole mixture into the greased baking tin and ensure that you’ve managed to scrape all the leftovers as well and put the tin into the oven and bake for about 30 – 35 mins. Now my oven (which I’ve whacked from my sister) usually takes about 30 mins at 175 C but it may differ from oven to oven. Around 25 mins into the baking process once your cake has sufficiently risen, poke a stick carefully and remove carefully, if the stick is clean, then your cake is ready and you’ll just need to wait for another 5 mins for the timer to go off and then you can take it out to cool for a while. If it doesn’t come out clean, increase the timer to another 20 mins and then repeat the process with the stick after 10 / 15 mins. Repeat the whole process again if the stick still comes out covered in mixture.

The icing as I mentioned is optional, while I loved the taste of it and I found that  the overall effect was amazing, the taste was a little too sweet for my liking, but my husband loved it. To each, their own I say and as I mentioned, I had whacked the recipe from Nigella lawson’s recipe for cup cake icing so will not bother putting it here as the recipe is available on the foodnetwork website.

Anyhow, do try it let me know how it works for you. Happy baking people!!!  :)