Coming out of the closet..not quite what you think!

"Being divorced is like being a soldier. It means you have fought for your right to happiness. You have faced depression, a blow to your confidence and ego, and emerged stronger and triumphant. Instead of being a coward and living with injustice, you have raised the bar for your own life, and by doing so, given yourself a chance to move towards greater happiness. The rest of your life will be better, for you will always know how much worse it could have been"

 

Yes, I am in the process of a divorce. There I admitted it! It's taken me a long time to come to terms with it. To not shy away from the truth. To basically, not feel ashamed. Like there is something wrong with me!

 

The society we live in does its best to ensure we conform. They provide a checklist for our life. Starting with our career choices to our life choices. Get married by your mid 20's, ensure you have your first child before 30, ensure you have a second child because god forbid the first one should feel lonely! I mean seriously give me a freakin' break! It's my life! Yes, I fell into that trap. Yes, I admit - I made a mistake - but, I'm sure as hell not going to spend the rest of my life paying for it! So yes, I am happy that I walked when I did!

It would be very easy for me to lay all the blame at his door. God knows he's given me enough reason for it, but it doth take two hands to clap and yes, I am to blame as well. I could whine and whinge and give you the down-low on why it didnt work - but what would be the point? If its one thing that I've learnt through all this is that just like "to each their own", every marriage is unique in its own aspect. What works or doesnt work for me may not be the case with you and vice versa. So I am not going to preach and tell you the do's and dont's. I'm sure anyone reading this is adult enough to figure it out on their own.

 

For the longest time, I couldnt bear to look at myself in the mirror. The image that stared back seemed almost alien. It took me a while to realise that the change was for the better. Yes, I still have all my spots and zits (who doesnt!) but, now the heaviness that used feel like it was smothering me has slowly disappeared and I feel so much more lighter and it shows! I think the biggest compliment I got a while ago was when my best friend told me that it was so good to see me just let go and laugh out loud. Apparently she doesnt remember me doing it for the longest time! Cant begin to even describe how good that made me feel.

  

So yes, I'm learning to live again and it feels bloody good! So until next time - this is me signing off! :)

Garbled thoughts

Insomnia has now become an old friend who visits with increasing regularity. Most nights for the last couple of months especially I find myself more often than not lying in bed and just waiting. Waiting for what I can’t quite say but the feeling is like a thought that stands in your periphery just reminding you of its presence but standing just a little out of sight so you can’t quite make it out completely.

 I'd like to say that I have grown far more wise beyond my years but that would be utter crap. I do know that it's probably only off late that I have started allowing myself to start laughing again and not worrying as to what the consequences of having fun would be. I can slowly feel myself start to relax and unwind these days, though not completely as there is always a feeling that the rug may get pulled from under me when I least expect it but that is a conversation for another time. My walls are back and this time they are stronger than ever. It took me ages to let them down last time around and I have learnt at my own cost that it’s probably best this way for I need to protect myself above all else. It is a selfish thought, but who else can take care of me better than me? 

The other day was July 10 and I honestly couldn’t help but wonder how long it would be before the day would lose its significance and become just another day. Never been one for remembering dates, but there are times when I wish my spotty memory would just kick in and make me forget already. I know I needed this time for I am only now just beginning to crawl out of the hole that I buried myself into heal but I'm not sure I really recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror these days. She seems harder, less impetuous and so much more serious. I do know that I am far quieter than what I used to be. That I am not only comfortable with going out by myself but I tend to prefer it to a larger extent these days. At least then I don’t need to worry about saying the wrong thing. I am probably still not comfortable meeting most people from my old life, but that is mostly because the questions tend to get uncomfortable after a point and more often than not I don’t want to have to justify to anyone my right to feel and act this way. Never having been one to invite drama into my life, I have had my fill of it in the last couple of years and can honestly say that I'm just fine without it. 

Read something recently that really stuck with me "In a society like ours, 'happiness' is considered a dangerous thing - something that shouldn't be indulged in; something that has the potential to ruin you. While on the other hand, endurance, stoicism and suffering are applauded and cited as examples to follow. Ask any person on earth whether they want to be happy or unhappy and the answer would unsurprisingly always be the same. If that is so, then why should anybody stop themselves from chasing the happiness they deserve? I didn't and that will always make me happy, no matter what happens". Truer words were never spoken. The one thing that struck me when I was doing my best to muddle my way out of "the situation" was how many people would constantly tell me this was all part of "life". That I needed to put my head down and just keep on taking it. Why is the question I ask? Why must I deny myself the right to be true to myself and suck it up? Who defined the rules stating that I am never allowed to consider my happiness in the scheme of things, that my needs and my expectations and my aspirations would take a backseat and I was only expected to follow my lord and master and god forbid if I were to question this archaic system otherwise.  I won’t deny that I am still angry. Angry at the narrow mindedness of people. Angry that simply by virtue of being a woman, I am somehow a human being of lesser value and all the things that define me have zero value. Angry for actually thinking at one point that this was the way things were meant to be. Mostly I am just angry at myself of not speaking up earlier.  

Sometimes I feel so angry I could almost punch a hole in the wall and it takes all my self control to reign it in and hold myself back for I am NOT a victim. I am not going to cry in some corner about what happened. Yes, it was shitty but honestly, it's nothing I can’t handle. Like a good friend once said, in the scheme of things, this is a blip on my radar. No doubt, someday I will look back on this phase and wonder what all the hoop-la was about, but until then, I will just remind myself that I have a lot of things to be thankful for.  

 

Comfort food at its best!

Off late work’s been getting in the way quite a bit. It’s been keeping me from all the things I love. I am not cribbing, I love my job…but too much of a good thing does tend to get a bit much at times! :)


Viv and I moved into this new place (rented of course!) in November and one of the things we both fell in love with was the open kitchen in this apartment. It boasted of storage space galore and quite honestly was the kind of space I always dreamt of having. Viv ofcourse, was overjoyed about the fact that he could at last store his stash of booze in style (an entire section of cupboard + a bar counter!) :)

I love food and love eating good food (who doesn’t!? right?), but constantly eating out does tend to take a toll on ones pocket. Truth be told having grown up in a house where my mum is a brilliant cook, I honestly never felt the need to eat out that much in Chennai(the whole Hmmppfff my mum can cook this dish better! Ideology is deeply ingrained!) until I got married and discovered that “hey! I can make this at home too!!”

All said and done though, every once in a while, you take a break from all the experimenting and soak yourself in some good ol’ comfort food. I tend to do this a lot when Viv travels, mostly ‘cos his idea of simple food and mine ….well while they are similar to an extent, he does tend to draw the line at some of the foods I love …and I don’t blame him. Reason being, I may be a fraud mallu, but at the end of the day I am a mallu and I love my puttu and pazham, appam and stew and olan! Stew and Olan are 2 of my favorite dishes in the world..and I can eat them with anything (dosa, rice and chaps included!) !!

On Sunday, Viv left for Kolkatta and I was at a loose end, mostly because it tends to get a bit boring cooking for just one person but I figured on why waste the opportunity and actually decided to make some stew for myself. It’s one of the first dishes I ever learnt to cook, and I have lost count of the number of times I used to make it when I lived alone in Blore. It’s an authentically mallu dish and so ridiculously simple to make and I have honestly never gotten tired of the flavours till date! Plus it has 2 of my most favorite ingredients in the world – pepper and ginger!

What I have always like about stew is the fact that it’s so incredibly versatile. You can make it with just vegetables, or you can try with chicken or even mutton if you want. Personally I have always loved the vegetarian (especially with whole corn) and mutton versions but the possibilities are quite limitless and that’s one of the reasons I have always adored this dish.

I have improvised the vegetarian version of this dish over time (mostly as I don’t have the much time to spare these days) and it actually manages to get done in a little over 30 minutes these days. The beauty of this dish is that you can use pretty much anything that’s lying in your fridge as long you have your base ingredients in place. Plus, with my new found friend - the pressure cooker, well, life has just a lot more easier!

Ingredients –

- Vegetables of choice (I normally use potatoes, capsicums, French beans and carrots) You can also use some corn kernals and peas, turnip and radish as well if you have them in your fridge.

- Onion (I No) – roughly sliced

- Tomato (1 No) – cut vertically into quarters (this is not necessary – but I like the flavor)

- Chilly (1 No) slit (you can use more if you want it to be more spicy!)

- Ginger (1 inch piece) sliced thinly

- Dry Pepper Corns (1/2 - tbsp)

- Curry leaves (1 sprig)

- Dabur homemade coconut milk (1 tetra pack)

- Water (basis need)

- Salt (to taste)

- Coconut Oil (1 tsp)



Normally when cooking for 1 person, I usually use one of each vegetable (1 potato, 1 capsicum, 1 carrot a couple of french beans etc) You can adjust it accordingly to the number of people you are cooking for. You don’t need to be very concerned with the way you cut the vegetables. I tend to take a very Nigella’ish approach and roughly cut them all up and dunk them into my pressure cooker (the size of the cooker will vary depending on the quantity you intend to cook ofcourse). To the chopped vegetables , I add my onions, ginger and tomato and chilly (I can’t help but breathe in the all the aroma’s at this point – there’s just something so fresh about the way it all smells!). Add the pepper corns and curry leaves and salt and enough water to just about cover the vegetables (try not to submerge them in water). Add about 2 tblspns of coconut milk to this and after giving it a quick stir, put the lid on the pressure cooker and pressure cook for 2 – 3 whistles.

After you take the lid off, continue to simmer and add more coconut milk (I usually used the remainder milk in the tetra pack, but you can stop if you think it’s becoming too “coconutty”) As it continues to boil, start mashing about approximately half of the cooked potatoes, this will help to thicken the stew and let continue to boil for another 5-7 minutes. Adjust the salt if needed and add the coconut oil and serve hot.

I love having this with bread, rice, dosa, chapatti's and appam. One of my friends even likes to have this like a soup of sorts :). So tuck in and enjoy some comfort food at its best! ;)  

Baker's dozen

Got busy with life…that’s the excuse I have for not visiting earlier. Also, the fact that I had too many things bouncing around in the space that’s supposed to be technically reserved for my mind.


As I write this, I have the James Blunt song “Good-bye my friend, good-bye my lover” strumming in my head in the back ground. Any reason why? Not too sure at this point, truth be told. When I initially started this blog, I just wanted to teeny tiny bit of place for myself across the infinite space that we call the internet. Did I have an idea as to what or how I wanted it to be? No, not really. I just wanted it to represent me. Part logic, part utter confusion interspersed with some knowledge and utter crap as well. I guess that’s me in a nut shell. I never intended on this being a creative forum or a space to vent. Just needed it to be a place I could escape from the world and well life in general. Some may call it the cowards way out, other term it as escapism, to me it’s a place I come to recharge my batteries when I feel low and need that instant “pick me up” which I honestly get when I relive those “good times”.

The last couple of months have been manic to say the least. Shuttling between Chennai and Blore, marathon cooking sessions, add to the baking sprees I seem have embarked on, I honestly haven’t had any time for me, myself!

Speaking of baking, I’ve watched my mum bake cakes by the dozen, and needless to say, the prospect of doing it alone terrified the !@#$(you get the general drift) out of me! But, I baked my first cake (unsupervised and unassisted) and, well I honestly cannot begin to describe the joy of watching my first cake (and it still hasn’t diminished an iota after so many either!) rise slowly and yet steadily. The feeling is nothing but sheer magic. I know I sound like an utter fool, and while yes I know it’s the chemistry and physics of it all at work, it still feels magical and the whole process so utterly satisfying as hell to know that “I did that!!” So I’ll let you in on a little secret I’ve learnt, you don’t need to be scared of the oven! It doesn’t bite and in fact can even be your friend in arms(as ridiculous as it may sound! )

The first cake I baked and for which I whacked the recipe from my mum and sister is the easiest recipe to follow and is probably the best way to induct oneself in to the “art of making a cake!”. Technically, I used the recipe since my husband can’t stand chocolate and I needed an alternative (but let’s keep this a secret between us for the time being!). But I did whack the recipe for the icing (which is optional) from Nigella Lawson, simply because I was watching her program one day and loved the frosting she used on her cupcakes and since it seemed so mouth watering, couldn’t resist trying it the first opportunity I got! Well on to the ingredients as they say –



Ingredients –



For the cake

2 cups flour (leveled and sifted)

2 tsp baking pwder (leveled and sifted)

1 and ½ cups of castor sugar (this is nothing but normal white sugar that’s been run through a mixie until its fine powder!)

1 cup of unsalted cooking butter (leveled)

A pinch of salt

1 and ½ tsps vanilla essence

3 Nos Eggs

Rind of one orange and lemon

Juice of 1 orange

¼ cup boiling water

1No. 24 or 26 cm aluminum baking tin greased with butter and flour



Method : Pre- heat your oven as per instructions on manual. Beat the butter, sugar and vanilla essence together in a large enough mixing bowl. I cant be bothered to beat by hand and truth be told I just don’t have the energy for it, so I use an electric hand beater and it works wonderfully. You will slowly start seeing the mixture changing colours. It will go from an almost dark yellow to what can only be described as a very pale and almost white sort of yellow and quite fluffy. Once this is done, add the eggs one at a time. Idea being that you add one egg, beat it until its completely mixed into the mixture in your bowl and then add the second one, follow the same process and continue with the third one as well. Once done, add your flour, baking powder and rind of lemon and orange. Mix well with a spatula for about 2-3 minutes until you’ve manage to incorporate all the ingredients together and don’t worry if you aren’t able to get rid of all the lumps. Lastly add the juice of 1 orange and the boiling water to the mix and mix well with a spatula for about 2-4 mins again until you aren’t able to see any lumps. Pour the whole mixture into the greased baking tin and ensure that you’ve managed to scrape all the leftovers as well and put the tin into the oven and bake for about 30 – 35 mins. Now my oven (which I’ve whacked from my sister) usually takes about 30 mins at 175 C but it may differ from oven to oven. Around 25 mins into the baking process once your cake has sufficiently risen, poke a stick carefully and remove carefully, if the stick is clean, then your cake is ready and you’ll just need to wait for another 5 mins for the timer to go off and then you can take it out to cool for a while. If it doesn’t come out clean, increase the timer to another 20 mins and then repeat the process with the stick after 10 / 15 mins. Repeat the whole process again if the stick still comes out covered in mixture.

The icing as I mentioned is optional, while I loved the taste of it and I found that  the overall effect was amazing, the taste was a little too sweet for my liking, but my husband loved it. To each, their own I say and as I mentioned, I had whacked the recipe from Nigella lawson’s recipe for cup cake icing so will not bother putting it here as the recipe is available on the foodnetwork website.

Anyhow, do try it let me know how it works for you. Happy baking people!!!  :)

ALONE

Dry leaves crackled and twigs snapped as she stumbled through the undergrowth. Never in a million years did she even see this coming when she woke up this morning. The sun had set ages ago and she could barely see her own hand when she held it up in front of her face. She couldn’t even figure out where she was as everything seemed to be the same. She stopped in a clearing and looked around, but she couldn’t tell if she was closer to the entrance of the forest or if she had just ended up going deeper and deeper into the forest. She seemed to have been walking around in circles for hours now but she couldn’t even get her bearings right.
Her stomach gave a another grumble which only served to remind her that her last meal was breakfast that day, and the only thing she’d had since then was a bar of Snickers she’d squirreled into her pocket after breakfast thinking it would be a handy treat to have during the day. Little did she realize that it would end being her only meal after breakfast. She cursed her stupidity, for suggesting that they play hide and seek today. She cursed herself for finding the hidey hole in the tree early yesterday morning when she had gone for a walk before any of the other girls had woken up. She cursed herself harder for thinking it would be such a great hiding place, never mind that she had just barely managed to make it out of the woods that first time when she’d found it. She didn’t realize that she would wind up so deep in the forest or that she would fall asleep waiting for them to find her and lose complete track of time in the process!
She turned suddenly when she heard a noise coming from somewhere behind here. It sounded like an animal of some sort and her teacher had warned their group not to wander too deep into the forest as there had been sightings of bears. Hurriedly she ran, stumbling through the undergrowth, not knowing whether she was going deeper in to the forest or just running in circles in the same place. She only knew that she needed to get away from whatever it was that seemed to be making so much noise behind her.
She stopped to catch her breath and then sank to the ground with her back against one of the trees when she was sure that she had managed to dodge whatever it was that she had heard that time and that’s when she realized how exhausted she was. The fact that she was hungry and thirsty only seemed to be adding to her need to just rest and may be close her eyes for little while then maybe she would wake up only to realize that it was a bad dream.
She pinched herself just to see if it was indeed just a really bad dream and that she would wake up in her bed snuggled under her favorite quilt. Never again, would she ever take those things for granted. She had, had enough adventure to last a life time. Never again would she throw tantrums when her mom made “normal” food. Never again, would she skip trying to spend time with her baby sister or her parents. She missed them so much right now, it hurt just to think about them and if they even knew that she was lost in the forest at the moment. Would they be looking for her? Would anybody be looking for her right now? Did any of the other girls even realize that she was missing?

She wiped the tears that had started flowing without even her realizing and tried to concentrate and listen. To try and hear if anybody was out there looking her but all she could her around her were the sound of night crickets and the occasional hooting of an owl. Who knew that crickets could sound so loud at night. The sound they made seemed to drown out any other noise that the forest might make.
She realized that she had better find a safe place for the night. At least, a place where she could rest her eyes till morning. Who knows maybe once it was morning, things may not seem as depressing or scary. She got up and then looked around her and then tried to figure out which direction she had come in, but couldn’t for the life of her remember which direction she had come running from. With a silent prayer on her lips, she turned to her right and then started walking slowly, trying not to make too much noise. She came to a stop in another clearing, but she still couldn’t figure out if this was the same one she had passed through earlier. They all looked the same! How on earth was she even going to find a spot to rest at this rate? Slowly she turned around in a circle until her eyes went to tree. The tree seemed to have a hole in it! She walked towards it hoping her eyes were not deceiving her and she came up to the tree, she saw that it really was a hole in the tree! She poked her head in to see if there was anything living inside there or iff it was the same one she had hidden in earlier, but then realized the futility of the exercise since she could barely even see outside the hole, never mind inside it.
She took a deep breath and stepped into the hole and realized once inside that it was a little low on the height but she could fit in even if it was a bit of a squeeze. With a sigh of relief she sank into it and rested her head on one side of the hole and closed her eyes and slowly realized how badly her body was aching all over.
She woke up with a start to see bright lights and heard voices yelling her name. She tried to call out only to realize that no voice was coming from her throat. She summoned what seemed like her last reserve of energy and stumbled out of the tree and through the clearing in the direction that she could see the lights and hear the voices. “Here I am!” She wanted to yell – but realized the futility of it when she remembered that no one would be able to hear a mute. She had fallen to a fever when she was a baby, as a result she had lost her ability to speak. A trick of fate, she suddenly remembered her mom telling her.
She kept stumbling through, running past trees for what seemed like forever until she was able to finally catch sight of a man. Knowing she wouldn’t be able to call out to him she tried to catch up to him by running faster. He turned around at the sound coming from behind him and his torch light shone on her face. Without another word, she sank to the ground and that’s where she lay, passed out from exhaustion as he ran towards her calling out to the others on his walki talkie.
The last things she heard as she let herself fall into a blissful abyss of sleep were of her parents holding her as they put her into an ambulance that would take her to a hospital. Her last thoughts as she slipped deeper into sleep was that there really is no place like home.

A prayer

I don't consider myself religious,
nor do I consider myself,
to be in any way sacrilegious.
But I know enough to pray,
For I pray for peace of mind,
and that tomorrow will be another day

I watched my mother turn to God,
When I was too young to know better,
To ask for guidance and to seek his blessings
and give her strength.
And this I know to be true even today,
For she still prays for peace of mind
and the strength to fight another day

Times may have changed but people still remember,
Traditions may be forgotten but their
histories will be forever treasured.
People may be fickle and flighty but this,
I know to be true, for in times of need,
They will always pray for peace of mind
And the will to fight another day

God they say is everywhere,
He knows our every thought and action.
He is our past, our present and our future,
He is our best friend and it is to him I beseech,
from the depths of my heart.
For I do not pray for pray for peace of mind but
at the end of the day pray for only his will to be done.

Coming home now - been so freakishly long!

I put put pen to paper ...or in this case hand to key board n the only thing I can think of is - "how long has it been since I even wrote"???? Too bloody long...not good ...not good at all...*dramatic sniffing*



My first blog site...created by yours truly ofcourse - n i hit the proverbial writers block - I am currently drawing a blank on what I can even possibly write - so for those poor souls reading the ramblings of a partially kooky almost raving lunatic...try to forgive me :))))



There used to be a time when I used to write everyday - whether it was my diary, or a story I happend to think up and every once in a while even a ridiculously crazy poem that I would come up with...those were the days...:))) miss them like crazy!



*cut to flashback* the last time I wrote, well I was going through one of those phases, you know when you think it's you against the world and all that jazz, definetely wasn't the best - don't want to say it was the worst either (why tempt the fates!?!) I usually found writing so catharic ...it was almost like a release - getting it onto paper or word doc - usually left me feeling so light that I could honestly go another couple rounds after that :)



*cut back to present*Vow time - i hereby solemnly swear to write once a week, attempt to find my roots (creative roots ofcourse - what on earth did u think I was getting at!) and ofcourse - take a poke at some creative writing - just to see if I still have it ;)))

It good to be back!*cheers*

Unshackled and Free - FINALLY! :) free spirit : signing off ;)