Win some, lose some....

Writing about what has been happening in my life has honestly helped me face a lot things head on. I rarely talk about it since I dont really find the need, but writing I think is my way of just letting off some steam when the mood strikes.

I'm not the kind of person who is confrontational under the best of circumstances and truth be told I tend to shy away from any situation that promises to become heated. A lot of people can attest to that. People mistake this for passivity and truth be told I don't blame them. To a large extent I had to consciously choose to not allow people to walk all over me and then again in most cases, I still allowed them as the alternative just felt like a waste of time and energy and well, this just felt easier.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that by being this way I was setting the tone for my marriage. I think what really woke me up was when my sister actually asked me one day "so what if you say no...what's the worst that can happen?" And that really got me thinking. She said a a lot more subsequently, but this stuck with me for some reason. Mostly, since it told me that I didn't have to continue being a passive acceptor and I could actually stand up for myself and say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH". My whole life, I have always had other people fight my battles for me and I guess this time I knew that it was up to me stand up and fight for myself and that the alternative in this case was just not going to work.

I won't lie and say that everything was rosy when I walked away. It definitely wasn't. There were days when I would just want to bury myself in some hole and forget about the world in general. There were days when I would feel the whole thing was just a bad dream and that I would wake up from it any minute. At the end of it all, there is a part of you that also realises that the world still keeps going on and the life does go on and yes, tomorrow is another day. Having family actually helped during this. Atleast if anything, they provided a distraction that kept me from thinking about the fact that my world had just been blown to smithereens and I was basically at ground zero. 
 
My family is my strength and through everything that was happening they have been my anchor. Yes, I will admit like any other regular family they also have the ability to drive one mad, but if I'm honest, the only reason I had the confidence to stand up for myself the way I did is because I knew that no matter what they would support me. Irrespective of what my decision would be at the end of the day, they would accept it and support it. Knowing that I believe gave me an immeasurable amount of confidence and strength to make the right choice for myself irrespective of the consequences. I have had to listen to people tell me that they are the cause of ruining my marriage but to those people I say what is the use of a marriage when you're really not gaining anything out of the relationship but instead losing everything?

Speaking of loss, I will be honest enough to admit that I do miss certain things. Ironically, what I truly miss the most is that I had the opportunity to meet some amazing people while we were together and not being able to speak to them ever again does tend to hurt a bit. These are people I grew really fond of and the times I spent with them will truly be cherished. A part of me does wish I could continue to keep in touch with them but the practical sensible part of me understands that it was right thing to walk away and not make a bad situation horribly awkward. I had a chance to experience this when I ended up bumping into his friends a while back. The confusion in their expressions on how to react was quite evident and while I wont deny that it hurt to see them ignoring me the way they did - there was a part of me that was also glad for it. They are after all his friends and I would not want to make them choose sides. That would be just wrong. So instead, I choose to wish them well and I really do, because suffice to say, the relationship has definitely run its course and the time has come to move on.

In every sense.
 

Tales of the dancing divorcee...enroute to rediscovering thyself

I was never someone who was very comfortable with her body. Too skinny, too thin, all skin and bones and wierd angles. The kind of clothes I loved wearing - never seemed to suit me and hence it all just used to turn into one big mish mash. Post marriage well, you dont really care too much. If I'm honest about it - V used to take better care of himself than I did. He used to ensure everything was tip top everytime we stepped out. For me most of the time - I couldn't be bothered and when I did - well, I was never too happy with the end result.

Now, I truly feel liberated. I have started exploring styles and thoroughly enjoying the process of getting all gussied up for a day or night out about town! From Palazzo's to Capris to SKIRTS and DRESSES! I'm actually enjoying the process of rediscovering myself.  I never used to experiment with hair styles, mostly because I'd never know what to do with my stupendously curly hair, but now thanks to Youtube and a certain someone at Toni & Guy I have started doing a lot more with my hair and it feels kickass!I am feeling comfortable in my own skin for the first time so atleast thats one good thing thats come out of the divorce. I even bit the bullet and got myself a tattoo! Me of all people! Anyone who knows me well enough can attest to the fact that I am terrified of needles. I cant stand them and to date they are my biggest fear. Which is ironic, given that as a hypo thyroid patient, one does get subjected an n number of blood tests. So yes, I will admit to the fact that I was terrified beyond belief of the deed and which is also one of the reasons why I chose to go and do it all  alone. I figured, even if I do make a fool of myself  - nobody is going to be any wiser! In any case, I turned 30 and managed to get inked!

Turning 30. Isnt that supposed be a milestone of sorts? When i was in my teens and 30 seemed like such a far off thing - I never quite pictured things would turn out like this. Then again, one never really pictures stuff like this either! In the scheme of things, I know that this is a blip and, I was probably mourning the end of an "idea" of what I pictured a marriage to be rather than the actual relationship itself(a very wise person told me that!) and, I have probably learnt more about myself in the last couple of months than the last couple of years put together. I have learnt that -

- I am more stronger than I ever gave myself credit for
- I am truly comfortable going out alone. Sometimes I just need some space. I think we all do.
- People will not change. They all have their own POV's and their own perspectives and while they will try and "counsel" you with the best of intentions, dont let it get to you. Rise above.
- So long as you believe in yourself, nothing else matters
- As selfish as it may sound, you are the only one who will look out for you. Listen to that inner voice. It's there for a reason
- Yes, people will look and comment and pass snide remarks. So be it. People will always talk. It doesnt matter. It really doesnt.
- No matter what, my family has my back

The thing is, I don't know what lies ahead and thats the bare naked truth. It's a scary thought, but its also a very exciting one as well. My journey to rediscovering myself has only just begun and I honestly cant wait to find out what's in store for me!

This is me signing off - until next time!