Writing about what has been happening in my life has honestly helped me face a lot things head on. I rarely talk about it since I dont really find the need, but writing I think is my way of just letting off some steam when the mood strikes.
I'm not the kind of person who is confrontational under the best of circumstances and truth be told I tend to shy away from any situation that promises to become heated. A lot of people can attest to that. People mistake this for passivity and truth be told I don't blame them. To a large extent I had to consciously choose to not allow people to walk all over me and then again in most cases, I still allowed them as the alternative just felt like a waste of time and energy and well, this just felt easier.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think that by being this way I was setting the tone for my marriage. I think what really woke me up was when my sister actually asked me one day "so what if you say no...what's the worst that can happen?" And that really got me thinking. She said a a lot more subsequently, but this stuck with me for some reason. Mostly, since it told me that I didn't have to continue being a passive acceptor and I could actually stand up for myself and say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH". My whole life, I have always had other people fight my battles for me and I guess this time I knew that it was up to me stand up and fight for myself and that the alternative in this case was just not going to work.
I won't lie and say that everything was rosy when I walked away. It definitely wasn't. There were days when I would just want to bury myself in some hole and forget about the world in general. There were days when I would feel the whole thing was just a bad dream and that I would wake up from it any minute. At the end of it all, there is a part of you that also realises that the world still keeps going on and the life does go on and yes, tomorrow is another day. Having family actually helped during this. Atleast if anything, they provided a distraction that kept me from thinking about the fact that my world had just been blown to smithereens and I was basically at ground zero.
My family is my strength and through everything that was happening they have been my anchor. Yes, I will admit like any other regular family they also have the ability to drive one mad, but if I'm honest, the only reason I had the confidence to stand up for myself the way I did is because I knew that no matter what they would support me. Irrespective of what my decision would be at the end of the day, they would accept it and support it. Knowing that I believe gave me an immeasurable amount of confidence and strength to make the right choice for myself irrespective of the consequences. I have had to listen to people tell me that they are the cause of ruining my marriage but to those people I say what is the use of a marriage when you're really not gaining anything out of the relationship but instead losing everything?
Speaking of loss, I will be honest enough to admit that I do miss certain things. Ironically, what I truly miss the most is that I had the opportunity to meet some amazing people while we were together and not being able to speak to them ever again does tend to hurt a bit. These are people I grew really fond of and the times I spent with them will truly be cherished. A part of me does wish I could continue to keep in touch with them but the practical sensible part of me understands that it was right thing to walk away and not make a bad situation horribly awkward. I had a chance to experience this when I ended up bumping into his friends a while back. The confusion in their expressions on how to react was quite evident and while I wont deny that it hurt to see them ignoring me the way they did - there was a part of me that was also glad for it. They are after all his friends and I would not want to make them choose sides. That would be just wrong. So instead, I choose to wish them well and I really do, because suffice to say, the relationship has definitely run its course and the time has come to move on.
In every sense.
I'm not the kind of person who is confrontational under the best of circumstances and truth be told I tend to shy away from any situation that promises to become heated. A lot of people can attest to that. People mistake this for passivity and truth be told I don't blame them. To a large extent I had to consciously choose to not allow people to walk all over me and then again in most cases, I still allowed them as the alternative just felt like a waste of time and energy and well, this just felt easier.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think that by being this way I was setting the tone for my marriage. I think what really woke me up was when my sister actually asked me one day "so what if you say no...what's the worst that can happen?" And that really got me thinking. She said a a lot more subsequently, but this stuck with me for some reason. Mostly, since it told me that I didn't have to continue being a passive acceptor and I could actually stand up for myself and say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH". My whole life, I have always had other people fight my battles for me and I guess this time I knew that it was up to me stand up and fight for myself and that the alternative in this case was just not going to work.
I won't lie and say that everything was rosy when I walked away. It definitely wasn't. There were days when I would just want to bury myself in some hole and forget about the world in general. There were days when I would feel the whole thing was just a bad dream and that I would wake up from it any minute. At the end of it all, there is a part of you that also realises that the world still keeps going on and the life does go on and yes, tomorrow is another day. Having family actually helped during this. Atleast if anything, they provided a distraction that kept me from thinking about the fact that my world had just been blown to smithereens and I was basically at ground zero.
My family is my strength and through everything that was happening they have been my anchor. Yes, I will admit like any other regular family they also have the ability to drive one mad, but if I'm honest, the only reason I had the confidence to stand up for myself the way I did is because I knew that no matter what they would support me. Irrespective of what my decision would be at the end of the day, they would accept it and support it. Knowing that I believe gave me an immeasurable amount of confidence and strength to make the right choice for myself irrespective of the consequences. I have had to listen to people tell me that they are the cause of ruining my marriage but to those people I say what is the use of a marriage when you're really not gaining anything out of the relationship but instead losing everything?
Speaking of loss, I will be honest enough to admit that I do miss certain things. Ironically, what I truly miss the most is that I had the opportunity to meet some amazing people while we were together and not being able to speak to them ever again does tend to hurt a bit. These are people I grew really fond of and the times I spent with them will truly be cherished. A part of me does wish I could continue to keep in touch with them but the practical sensible part of me understands that it was right thing to walk away and not make a bad situation horribly awkward. I had a chance to experience this when I ended up bumping into his friends a while back. The confusion in their expressions on how to react was quite evident and while I wont deny that it hurt to see them ignoring me the way they did - there was a part of me that was also glad for it. They are after all his friends and I would not want to make them choose sides. That would be just wrong. So instead, I choose to wish them well and I really do, because suffice to say, the relationship has definitely run its course and the time has come to move on.
In every sense.
No comments:
Post a Comment