Win some, lose some....

Writing about what has been happening in my life has honestly helped me face a lot things head on. I rarely talk about it since I dont really find the need, but writing I think is my way of just letting off some steam when the mood strikes.

I'm not the kind of person who is confrontational under the best of circumstances and truth be told I tend to shy away from any situation that promises to become heated. A lot of people can attest to that. People mistake this for passivity and truth be told I don't blame them. To a large extent I had to consciously choose to not allow people to walk all over me and then again in most cases, I still allowed them as the alternative just felt like a waste of time and energy and well, this just felt easier.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that by being this way I was setting the tone for my marriage. I think what really woke me up was when my sister actually asked me one day "so what if you say no...what's the worst that can happen?" And that really got me thinking. She said a a lot more subsequently, but this stuck with me for some reason. Mostly, since it told me that I didn't have to continue being a passive acceptor and I could actually stand up for myself and say "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH". My whole life, I have always had other people fight my battles for me and I guess this time I knew that it was up to me stand up and fight for myself and that the alternative in this case was just not going to work.

I won't lie and say that everything was rosy when I walked away. It definitely wasn't. There were days when I would just want to bury myself in some hole and forget about the world in general. There were days when I would feel the whole thing was just a bad dream and that I would wake up from it any minute. At the end of it all, there is a part of you that also realises that the world still keeps going on and the life does go on and yes, tomorrow is another day. Having family actually helped during this. Atleast if anything, they provided a distraction that kept me from thinking about the fact that my world had just been blown to smithereens and I was basically at ground zero. 
 
My family is my strength and through everything that was happening they have been my anchor. Yes, I will admit like any other regular family they also have the ability to drive one mad, but if I'm honest, the only reason I had the confidence to stand up for myself the way I did is because I knew that no matter what they would support me. Irrespective of what my decision would be at the end of the day, they would accept it and support it. Knowing that I believe gave me an immeasurable amount of confidence and strength to make the right choice for myself irrespective of the consequences. I have had to listen to people tell me that they are the cause of ruining my marriage but to those people I say what is the use of a marriage when you're really not gaining anything out of the relationship but instead losing everything?

Speaking of loss, I will be honest enough to admit that I do miss certain things. Ironically, what I truly miss the most is that I had the opportunity to meet some amazing people while we were together and not being able to speak to them ever again does tend to hurt a bit. These are people I grew really fond of and the times I spent with them will truly be cherished. A part of me does wish I could continue to keep in touch with them but the practical sensible part of me understands that it was right thing to walk away and not make a bad situation horribly awkward. I had a chance to experience this when I ended up bumping into his friends a while back. The confusion in their expressions on how to react was quite evident and while I wont deny that it hurt to see them ignoring me the way they did - there was a part of me that was also glad for it. They are after all his friends and I would not want to make them choose sides. That would be just wrong. So instead, I choose to wish them well and I really do, because suffice to say, the relationship has definitely run its course and the time has come to move on.

In every sense.
 

Tales of the dancing divorcee...enroute to rediscovering thyself

I was never someone who was very comfortable with her body. Too skinny, too thin, all skin and bones and wierd angles. The kind of clothes I loved wearing - never seemed to suit me and hence it all just used to turn into one big mish mash. Post marriage well, you dont really care too much. If I'm honest about it - V used to take better care of himself than I did. He used to ensure everything was tip top everytime we stepped out. For me most of the time - I couldn't be bothered and when I did - well, I was never too happy with the end result.

Now, I truly feel liberated. I have started exploring styles and thoroughly enjoying the process of getting all gussied up for a day or night out about town! From Palazzo's to Capris to SKIRTS and DRESSES! I'm actually enjoying the process of rediscovering myself.  I never used to experiment with hair styles, mostly because I'd never know what to do with my stupendously curly hair, but now thanks to Youtube and a certain someone at Toni & Guy I have started doing a lot more with my hair and it feels kickass!I am feeling comfortable in my own skin for the first time so atleast thats one good thing thats come out of the divorce. I even bit the bullet and got myself a tattoo! Me of all people! Anyone who knows me well enough can attest to the fact that I am terrified of needles. I cant stand them and to date they are my biggest fear. Which is ironic, given that as a hypo thyroid patient, one does get subjected an n number of blood tests. So yes, I will admit to the fact that I was terrified beyond belief of the deed and which is also one of the reasons why I chose to go and do it all  alone. I figured, even if I do make a fool of myself  - nobody is going to be any wiser! In any case, I turned 30 and managed to get inked!

Turning 30. Isnt that supposed be a milestone of sorts? When i was in my teens and 30 seemed like such a far off thing - I never quite pictured things would turn out like this. Then again, one never really pictures stuff like this either! In the scheme of things, I know that this is a blip and, I was probably mourning the end of an "idea" of what I pictured a marriage to be rather than the actual relationship itself(a very wise person told me that!) and, I have probably learnt more about myself in the last couple of months than the last couple of years put together. I have learnt that -

- I am more stronger than I ever gave myself credit for
- I am truly comfortable going out alone. Sometimes I just need some space. I think we all do.
- People will not change. They all have their own POV's and their own perspectives and while they will try and "counsel" you with the best of intentions, dont let it get to you. Rise above.
- So long as you believe in yourself, nothing else matters
- As selfish as it may sound, you are the only one who will look out for you. Listen to that inner voice. It's there for a reason
- Yes, people will look and comment and pass snide remarks. So be it. People will always talk. It doesnt matter. It really doesnt.
- No matter what, my family has my back

The thing is, I don't know what lies ahead and thats the bare naked truth. It's a scary thought, but its also a very exciting one as well. My journey to rediscovering myself has only just begun and I honestly cant wait to find out what's in store for me!

This is me signing off - until next time!

Coming out of the closet..not quite what you think!

"Being divorced is like being a soldier. It means you have fought for your right to happiness. You have faced depression, a blow to your confidence and ego, and emerged stronger and triumphant. Instead of being a coward and living with injustice, you have raised the bar for your own life, and by doing so, given yourself a chance to move towards greater happiness. The rest of your life will be better, for you will always know how much worse it could have been"

 

Yes, I am in the process of a divorce. There I admitted it! It's taken me a long time to come to terms with it. To not shy away from the truth. To basically, not feel ashamed. Like there is something wrong with me!

 

The society we live in does its best to ensure we conform. They provide a checklist for our life. Starting with our career choices to our life choices. Get married by your mid 20's, ensure you have your first child before 30, ensure you have a second child because god forbid the first one should feel lonely! I mean seriously give me a freakin' break! It's my life! Yes, I fell into that trap. Yes, I admit - I made a mistake - but, I'm sure as hell not going to spend the rest of my life paying for it! So yes, I am happy that I walked when I did!

It would be very easy for me to lay all the blame at his door. God knows he's given me enough reason for it, but it doth take two hands to clap and yes, I am to blame as well. I could whine and whinge and give you the down-low on why it didnt work - but what would be the point? If its one thing that I've learnt through all this is that just like "to each their own", every marriage is unique in its own aspect. What works or doesnt work for me may not be the case with you and vice versa. So I am not going to preach and tell you the do's and dont's. I'm sure anyone reading this is adult enough to figure it out on their own.

 

For the longest time, I couldnt bear to look at myself in the mirror. The image that stared back seemed almost alien. It took me a while to realise that the change was for the better. Yes, I still have all my spots and zits (who doesnt!) but, now the heaviness that used feel like it was smothering me has slowly disappeared and I feel so much more lighter and it shows! I think the biggest compliment I got a while ago was when my best friend told me that it was so good to see me just let go and laugh out loud. Apparently she doesnt remember me doing it for the longest time! Cant begin to even describe how good that made me feel.

  

So yes, I'm learning to live again and it feels bloody good! So until next time - this is me signing off! :)

Garbled thoughts

Insomnia has now become an old friend who visits with increasing regularity. Most nights for the last couple of months especially I find myself more often than not lying in bed and just waiting. Waiting for what I can’t quite say but the feeling is like a thought that stands in your periphery just reminding you of its presence but standing just a little out of sight so you can’t quite make it out completely.

 I'd like to say that I have grown far more wise beyond my years but that would be utter crap. I do know that it's probably only off late that I have started allowing myself to start laughing again and not worrying as to what the consequences of having fun would be. I can slowly feel myself start to relax and unwind these days, though not completely as there is always a feeling that the rug may get pulled from under me when I least expect it but that is a conversation for another time. My walls are back and this time they are stronger than ever. It took me ages to let them down last time around and I have learnt at my own cost that it’s probably best this way for I need to protect myself above all else. It is a selfish thought, but who else can take care of me better than me? 

The other day was July 10 and I honestly couldn’t help but wonder how long it would be before the day would lose its significance and become just another day. Never been one for remembering dates, but there are times when I wish my spotty memory would just kick in and make me forget already. I know I needed this time for I am only now just beginning to crawl out of the hole that I buried myself into heal but I'm not sure I really recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror these days. She seems harder, less impetuous and so much more serious. I do know that I am far quieter than what I used to be. That I am not only comfortable with going out by myself but I tend to prefer it to a larger extent these days. At least then I don’t need to worry about saying the wrong thing. I am probably still not comfortable meeting most people from my old life, but that is mostly because the questions tend to get uncomfortable after a point and more often than not I don’t want to have to justify to anyone my right to feel and act this way. Never having been one to invite drama into my life, I have had my fill of it in the last couple of years and can honestly say that I'm just fine without it. 

Read something recently that really stuck with me "In a society like ours, 'happiness' is considered a dangerous thing - something that shouldn't be indulged in; something that has the potential to ruin you. While on the other hand, endurance, stoicism and suffering are applauded and cited as examples to follow. Ask any person on earth whether they want to be happy or unhappy and the answer would unsurprisingly always be the same. If that is so, then why should anybody stop themselves from chasing the happiness they deserve? I didn't and that will always make me happy, no matter what happens". Truer words were never spoken. The one thing that struck me when I was doing my best to muddle my way out of "the situation" was how many people would constantly tell me this was all part of "life". That I needed to put my head down and just keep on taking it. Why is the question I ask? Why must I deny myself the right to be true to myself and suck it up? Who defined the rules stating that I am never allowed to consider my happiness in the scheme of things, that my needs and my expectations and my aspirations would take a backseat and I was only expected to follow my lord and master and god forbid if I were to question this archaic system otherwise.  I won’t deny that I am still angry. Angry at the narrow mindedness of people. Angry that simply by virtue of being a woman, I am somehow a human being of lesser value and all the things that define me have zero value. Angry for actually thinking at one point that this was the way things were meant to be. Mostly I am just angry at myself of not speaking up earlier.  

Sometimes I feel so angry I could almost punch a hole in the wall and it takes all my self control to reign it in and hold myself back for I am NOT a victim. I am not going to cry in some corner about what happened. Yes, it was shitty but honestly, it's nothing I can’t handle. Like a good friend once said, in the scheme of things, this is a blip on my radar. No doubt, someday I will look back on this phase and wonder what all the hoop-la was about, but until then, I will just remind myself that I have a lot of things to be thankful for.